Fast and Furious 9

There was literally no one in the cinema who took that shit seriously. “F9: the Fast Saga” or whatever you wanna call it is like the Fast and Furious Videogame, no one understands how that was funded.

The tired cast consists of Vin Diesel as Dominic Toretto, John Cena as Jakob Toretto, Jordana Brewster as Mia Toretto, Ludacris as Tej, Tyrese Gibson as Roman, Michelle Rodriguez as Letty, Charlize Theron as Cipher, Sung Kang as Han, Nathalie Emmanuel as Ramsey, Helen Mirren as Quennie Shaw, Cardi B as Leysa (why the fuck?), Anna Sawai, Finn Cole, Vinnie Bennett and many more.

Do you wonder where the hell Dwayne the Rock Johnson and Jason Statham are? Well, they can’t help save the world because Mr. Nobody needs them for their own Sequel. Didn’t Mia and Brian left the dangerous agent business and shouldn’t Dom and Letty leave it too because of their son? Yes! Anyway, the only one who left was Brian. Nevertheless, they don’t get tired of pretending he has not. He babysits the children while the others risk their lives. Totally in character!

What’s the deal between Dom and his brother? Hmm, they never talked through their shit. As soon as they did: Your family again. Just like they handle every antagonist, fight him, talk to him, make him family and fight together against a bigger enemy. I tell you, in Fast and Furious 12 we will see Dom and Cipher working together.

Talking about physics … there are no physics. Whether it is swinging with a car that’s tightened on a rope, jumping 30 meters down into the water, using magnets that read the script, walking through an overturning truck or flying to space. Seems like no one knows how either magnets or rockets work. I could name numerous additions which I don’t wanna spoil for everyone who wants to watch this.

Missing logic was part of the franchise since it turned international and even jumping between skyscrapers in the seventh part was cool to me. Unlike the other unnatural stunts, the ones in “Fast and Furious 9” have no weight anymore, not to the characters and therefore not to us. They themselves tell us that they are invincible.

Characters like Mr. Nobody, Quennie Shaw or Cardi B just appear for fun and without reason. The story ripples along and in the last half of the film, I didn’t even know where it took place. The run time of 2h 25m is filled with endless action which stops being exciting the moment they discover that they’re all invincible. Han returns from the dead with an explanation from a 5-year-old and the crew throw cars through the streets like they are toys.

Look how Vin Diesel is holding his breath. Breathtaking scene!

“Fast and Furious 9” is accentuated with countless hip-hop songs which at least kept me awake. However, between all this bullshit there is a little spark, the younger versions of the Toretto’s portrayed by Vinnie Bennett as Dom and Finn Cole as Jakob. These two don’t just act better than the rest of the cast but also give the brother conflict some depth. Beyond that, I have hope that the wonderful Gisele aka Gal Gadot will return from the dead in the next part.

Summing up, the best gag of F9 is the film itself, the stunts and story make no sense, the cast feels tired and I hope the next one’s gonna head back to the roots of the franchise. If you ask me whether I’ll go watch the next part of this “superhero” franchise I’ll probably tell you yes, because after all this time they’re still family.